Totally Tangent: The Great Blue Hype

Totally Tangent: The Great Blue Hype

by June 23, 1991

Sega’s newest mascot, a flash in the pan?

Hey faithful readers! It’s your old friend Solus-X here, ready for another look at the latest for the raddest game company alive, SEGA! This time blue’s got big plans for their 16-Bit monster: a new mascot doused in their color of choice. It’s impossible to avoid his smug face everywhere right now: on TV, in magazines, the newspaper, always holding up a finger to remind you just how many games he’s going to be in. Sega seriously thinks their cerulean critter will have legs? Other than the ones he runs on, I mean.

Set in a checkerboard fantasy land, Sonic the Hedgehog is obviously a spin-off of the 1988 Sega classic Psycho Fox. Sega fanatics have also spotted Sega star Flicky on a promotional VHS. Is this mascot so bad that they need this many existing stars to help launch him? Fall off the car, FALL OFF THE CAR!Why not drag in Joe Musashi while they’re at it? I hope they don’t sully Alex Kidd with this soon-to-be failure!

I just don’t get it, readers. Sega’s line-up is already solid, but they want to replace the harder-edged Altered Beast with a critter of a cuter persuasion? That may fly on Nintendo, where gamers love their smiles and hugs and mushrooms, but here in Sega Land we need a little more bite to our games! Speaking of mushrooms, you notice how Sonic’s enemy, Doctor Robotsomethink, wears red and has a big moustache? Real original, “Sonic Team,” way to keep it classy. “Sega, when you borrow somethin’, you don’t tell nobody, they call that stealing you know.” If you’re going to rip off Nintendo, at least rip off the good parts. Like give Sonic a princess to save! And the new “Super” Nintendo has a new Zelda that mentions the past, so put in time travel too. Sonic the Hedgehog with a princess and time travel, that I might buy!

But no, we’re stuck with him jumping on enemies and releasing animal friends. Ooh, save the rainforest while you’re at it! Stop polluting! Buzzcut thinks he’s awesome, but we know that’s bogus, way bogus. All I can say is just ride it out Sega fans, soon they’ll stop throwing money at their mistake and focus on their true stars, like Pengo.

This is Solus-X, bitified as always and signing out!