Sega to Re-Release Super Mario Games Ad Nauseam

Dimps Commissioned to Create “Super Mario Bros. 5: Episode I”

TSSZ has exclusively learned the mutual trust Nintendo and Sega share in light of the Mario and Sonic series has taken a new leap forward.

So much exists that Nintendo has signed a distribution deal with Sega, allowing the latter to re-release the core four titles in the former’s prized franchise–Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros. 2, Super Mario Bros. 3, and The Lost Levels–over and over again for the next 10,000 years.

“With-a no-a success-a to the Wii lined up-a, they-a need-a sustained cash flow,” said a heavily stereotyped motor oil executive connected to the deal who requested anonymity because he wasn’t authorized to speak about it.  “Sega has done-a great job-a milking its cash cow to death, so they-a believe cat-a-log-a releases will rake in millions.  Executives were dancing once the deal-a was done-a! I’m-a dance! I’m-a sing! I’m-a so happy! Hahahahah!  Waluigi!  Number o—aaaaaah, don-ta prin-ta that las-ta par-ta.”

TSSZ has learned Sega has been granted full latitude for release platforms, meaning classic Mario will finally come to non-Nintendo systems, including XBOX Live, Playstation Network, Steam, a physical PC copy, Mac, then Steam again, OnLive, Steam with a hefty discount, iOS, Android, back to Steam, a specialized urinal setup, PC as a gold edition, the urinal again as a “gold” edition, an Archie comic adaptation, and Dreamcast.

“With such pristine classics in our hands, it will no doubt be challenging to whore them out like a Vegas showgirl,” said a Sega official connected to the deal who also requested anonymity because he too was not authorized to speak about it.  “But with so many emulators, release venues, and time better spent cleaning our own house at our disposal, we think fans will instantly fall in love with Super Mario’s retro charm once we’re through shoveling it out.  They better, at least, because we’re not updating a damn thing in them.  This is Super Mario as you truly ima–uh, actually, can you not publish that?”

TSSZ has learned Sega will individually release each title to a system, except on the very often occasion they bundle the classic Mario games in a compilation with 37 other random games nobody gives a crap about.

“After careful consideration of the effort required to saturate the market so much, Sega has decided, on an individual basis, to price each classic Mario game at $15,” our Sega source continued.  “And by ‘careful consideration,’ I mean the other employees blindfolded me, forced me to throw a dart at a dartboard, and it landed on 15.  It was so close to the 10 spot, too.  I mean, this close.  If I wasn’t drunk, I probably would have hit the bullseye.”

When asked about Super Mario All-Stars, which features all four of the aforementioned Mario games with updated graphics and music, our source guffawed at the notion of Sega distributing that compilation.

“Where’s the fun in that?” the source said, laughing.  “I mean, you don’t see us re-releasing our own games with new polish and features.  Except Sonic Jam.  Total fluke, that was.  If I had my way, it would have been four cartridges duct taped together that you forced into the Saturn’s back slot.”

And that’s not all.  TSSZ has also learned Nintendo has commissioned Dimps to create a new episodic Super Mario series.  It will be published by Sega, and it will be the first direct sequel to the core Mario franchise since the lauded Super Mario World, also known as Super Mario Bros. 4, in 1990.  The first episode will be released in the Fall, and Takashi Iizuka will serve as executive producer on the project.

“Super Mario Bros. 5: Episode I is a fantastic, all new adventure for Mario and Luigi,” our Sega source said.  “Or, maybe it’ll be what you’ve played before with the slightest of tweaks so we can still call it new, in a completely foreign engine that wrecks everything the franchise stood for.  Whatever.  Everyone will still buy it.”

TSSZ was given an exclusive peek at SMB5: E1, which you can watch in the video below.

We will have more on this developing story as soon as someone on The Mushroom Kingdom’s Fungi Forums does the work for us.